It’s also important to remember that if you’re not bullshitting yourself, your truth is your truth – they can’t take that away from you and it’s no less valid if they don’t stand there while you Tell Them About Themselves and agree to your assessment.
As one very lovely reader recently discovered, telling her ex who she also works with that he’s an assclown proved to have dire consequences.
It’s you avoiding looking too closely at your contribution and focusing on what you perceive to be their shortcomings and their problems so that you get to be right and you stay in your comfort zone.
This doesn’t mean what you’ve experienced isn’t true but the fact of the matter is that much like in the debriefing situation, you’re trying to push your own truth and get validated.
In the summer of 2000 in a hotel room in Fort Lauderdale, I vented every last thing that my Mr Unavailable of two years had done to piss me off. (For a recap, this was the guy who told me in our ‘debrief’ that the reason why he’d treated me badly was because I hadn’t explained to him what it would be like to be in an interracial relationship…) 2) He could stand to learn from it and maybe he wouldn’t make the same mistakes in his next relationship.
The hurt, pain, frustration, rejection, humiliation and every damn emotion I had felt during our relationship culminated in a volcanic eruption where his flaws and ‘crimes’ flowed unhindered. 3) I hoped he’d feel some level of remorse and I was effectively seeking validation. to get it off my chest but even though it was a few years before I’d have my epiphanies and break my old love habits, afterwards I felt embarrassed that I’d reduced myself to behaving that way.